“Love is not blind – it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.”
– Rabbi Julius Gordon
Sometimes when we observe someone “stuck” in an abusive relationship, we ask ourselves, How is this even possible? Why do they put up with such crappy behavior? The answer: it’s the random aspect of their partner’s behavior that makes a bad relationship so difficult to break out of. These abused types aren’t necessarily acting irrationally, as many people would assume; these types are seduced by the power of hope.
Let’s take a look at the culprit: random reinforcement. This concept will make sense when we look at an experiment I heard about in a psychology course I took during college (If I recall correctly it was a researcher named A. Fisher who conducted the experiment). Some readers may not like the fact that I’m comparing dogs to humans. This is understandable.
These days, no human-subjects research committee would approve of an experiment involving such manipulation on human beings. Therefore, the experimental groups of dogs will have to suffice for our discussion of this particular social phenomenon.
Which group of dogs do you think developed the strongest bond with their caretakers?
According to my recollections, the experiment went something like this. Three groups of dogs were segregated at a research kennel.
GROUP “A”
In the first trial group, each dog was given pretty much anything they wanted. All of the dogs were petted, scratched, allowed to sleep, played with, fed, and anything else the caretaker assessed would meet the dog’s desired needs and/or wants. At face value, nothing was denied any of the dogs in the group.
GROUP “B”
In the second study group, none of the dogs were given anything but food, shelter, and/or any necessary life-sustaining medical attention. The caretakers did not pet, scratch, or give the dogs any type of unnecessary attention. Even their basic needs were met at random times. If the dogs barked in an attempt to receive attention, they were ignored. If the barking rose to intolerable levels, the dog was muzzled and isolated from the others in the group. This group of dogs was basically ignored. (They weren’t harmed or abused.)
GROUP “C”
In the third control group, the dogs were treated very well, yet were also ignored; though not at the same time. Their treatment regimen on any given day was governed by the pick of a daily lottery system.
Ten pieces of paper were placed in a plastic bucket. The letter “A” was printed on five pieces of paper. On the other five pieces was printed the letter “B” In the morning when the first caretaker arrived at the site housing the dogs, he/she would reach inside the bucket and pull out a single piece of paper. Whatever the piece of paper had printed on it defined the type of treatment the dogs would receive for that day. For instance, if the piece of paper had an “A” the dogs were afforded treatment identical to the first group of dogs. If the paper read “B” the dogs were treated the same as the second group of dogs.
Which group of dogs do you think developed the strongest bond with their caretakers?
Many people quickly jump to the conclusion that it is the dogs in the first group since they may seem all happy and content. The dogs in the first group, however, were soon used to getting anything they desired. This led them to become greedy, impatient, and generally selfish in nature (these dogs became cats- j/k). It didn’t take long for these dogs to become spoiled and obnoxious. This first group of dogs’ bond with their caretakers was relatively weak since the dogs would only interact with the caretakers when the dogs wanted or needed something. Otherwise, the dogs’ focus was upon themselves.
The dogs in the second group never received much attention or any type of social reinforcement for that matter. Therefore, the dogs in this second group never came to expect much from their caretakers except food and water, and then it was only on a random schedule (whether or not any of the dogs were hungry at that particular moment). Their bond with their caretakers was also relatively weak. These dogs didn’t know any other type of social interaction. Since they were young, this seeming neglect was all they had ever known. The dogs in this group figured out that no matter what they did, it didn’t have any real effect upon the interaction with their caretakers. They became lethargic and either just hung out in their pens, or they interacted amongst themselves. The dogs in this group quickly learned that their caretakers couldn’t be manipulated.
The dogs in the third group were never really sure what interactions were related to any other interactions. Since they were dogs, they had no conception of a lottery system (or of the concept of random reinforcement). All they knew was that sometimes they were treated great, and yet at other times, they were generally ignored. It didn’t take long for these dogs to figure out that the interaction patterns between them and their caretakers weren’t very predictable. No matter how the dogs acted, it didn’t necessarily change any interaction patterns elicited toward them by their caretakers (to their advantage or disadvantage). When the caretakers were nice, the dog’s thoroughly enjoyed it! When the caretakers ignored the dogs, they merely accepted their fate. Yet these dogs soon learned to look forward to the time when they would again receive favorable treatment. Thus, these dogs soon developed a strong bond with their caretakers.
Since this third group of dogs was unable to predict or manipulate the actions of the caretakers in any predictable manner, they eventually gave up trying to directly manipulate the interactions between them and the caretakers.
Instead of becoming proactive, they became passive and anxiously waited for the positive interaction from the caretakers. Once it “arrived,” they ate it up! They thoroughly enjoyed the favorable treatment whenever it was given to them. After all, it might have been awhile before they were treated nicely again. In short, the dogs in this group were never able to take the extra kindness for granted. What kept the dogs content was the hope they held for any future day of completely favorable treatment. Hope is a powerful force.
In sum, the random treatment never allowed the dogs in the third group to make any sort of connection between anything they had done and how they were treated. Therefore, these dogs always hoped for the best treatment. In the meantime, they endured whatever type of treatment was necessary as they looked with anticipation to the next day of favorable interaction.
The same logic applies to human beings. In The True Believer, Eric Hoffer (1951) discusses the power of hope in more detail. Let me say this again: hope is a powerful phenomenon. In more instances than I’d like to think about, people fall victim to relationships plagued by unfavorable treatment because they cannot gain control of their torment. Their partner is generally an abusive jerk. Then seemingly out of the blue- and regardless of how the victim acts- the abusive partner starts acting nice. The victim soon learns that he/she cannot manipulate his/her partner’s abusive behavior to their favor. Thus, it doesn’t take long for him/her to stop trying to change his/her partner’s negative behavior. Instead he/she learns to endure it and quietly long for the time – some time in the future – when the partner will behave and treat him/her nice again. People in this type of relationship will usually blame themselves and work hard to change their perceived situation. When the partner does treat them favorably, like the dogs in the third group, they don’t make a fuss; instead they thoroughly enjoy it knowing it may be some time until it reoccurs.
Dean and Barbara are the Perfect Couple?
Dean and Barbara were a couple I had met through one of my college girlfriends. From the outside, they appeared to have the perfect relationship. They seemed to get along with each other, always acting affectionate as well as displaying what seemed like a genuine affection for one another. However, anyone who really knew each of the partners on a more intimate basis was aware that this display was mostly a facade; Dean and Barbara were putting on an act worthy of an Academy Award©.
Behind closed doors, this seemingly “perfect” couple had serious problems. They lived a secret life that involved a world of mental as well as physical abuse.
My girlfriend, Barbara, and a number of other female friends constantly hung out with each other. It was these women, minus Barbara of course, who let me in on the secret life of this seemingly perfect couple. Because the girls and I were privy to this couple’s hidden world of abuse, we were all able to secretly discuss the on-going abusiveness amongst ourselves. Our exclusive group knew perfectly well what was really happening, and needless to say, we all came to dislike Dean. However, because all of this talk about Dean took place in secret, none of us were able to directly confront Barbara (or Dean for that matter) about escaping such a secret, unpleasant relationship.
Because our small group knew what was really happening between Dean and Barbara, all of us looked for opportunities to indirectly confront Barbara about the secret abuse. On occasion, Dean would leave some “evidence” of his abusive handiwork. In these cases, one of us would hint around at what we suspected, and would thus try and get Barbara to tell us about Dean’s abusive tendencies. But instead of admitting to being victimized by Dean, Barbara would invariably make up some sort of clever cover story to excuse Dean’s inexcusable actions. In all the time I knew Barbara, I never once heard her saying anything negative about Dean.
In one incident of what I like to refer to as “extreme abuse,” Dean became extremely upset with Barbara because he had accidentally gotten her pregnant. Despite his equal involvement in helping create the situation, Dean insisted that their problem was entirely her fault. In a fit of rage, Dean demanded that Barbara do whatever was necessary to “take care of the problem.” This meant that Barbara had to make all the necessary arrangements for an out-of-state trip, and that she foot the entire bill for an abortion. Dean also insisted that Barbara keep this activity secret, which meant that at best, she would have limited social support during this very painful experience.
Shortly thereafter, Barbara flew to another state, and alone, she endured the pain and hardship involved with such an unpleasant procedure. Then, when Barbara returned from her ordeal, Dean never even brought it up and acted as though nothing out of the ordinary had even occurred. Suffice it enough to say I wasn’t a fan of Dean.
After learning about the actual relationship between Dean and Barbara, my respect for Dean completely disappeared. And the more I learned about the sordid details, the less I cared to be around either of them, and thus have to put on some sort of act. But there were two types of situations where I was almost guaranteed to have to interact with Barbara and Dean. While on “boy-friend-duties,” I would often see them together at planned social events, like a say a school banquet. In these relatively formal occasions, they, as well as everyone around them, who knew the truth, put on an act.
At other times, I would encounter Barbara apart from Dean. With Barbara around, though, none of the girls brought up the subject of Dean’s abuse; but, if Barbara wasn’t around, the women and I would talk like mad about the issue. This type of behavior told me that Barbara didn’t suspect that I knew the truth about her and Dean. But I was aware of the abuse. So, every once in awhile I would ask her about a scar or scrape of hers that I already knew Dean had inflicted on her. As I mentioned earlier, Barbara would defend him by inventing some type of clever cover story.
Whenever I engaged in this sly behavior, one of the girls would shoot me a “look” for even initiating that type of risky interaction. Such a look silently said, “Don’t go there!” But “going there” produced some priceless information. I looked at my perceived mischief as a trade off. I would generally play along with the big act, but at the price of a few random zingers. I’d catch hell later, but it was generally worth it. By doing this, I didn’t lose my own self-respect in the process. Morally, I could always claim at least some degree of non-compliance with the charade.
About a year after I had learned about the trials and tribulations of Dean and Barbara’s relationship, Dean was killed in a boating accident. A number of people privately rejoiced at the news, as did I. But publicly, everyone was very supportive of Barbara. Later that week, as my female friends were getting ready to attend Dean’s funeral, they asked me whether or not I was going to attend. I looked at them, and in a solemn tone I told them that I just couldn’t fake any sympathy for Dean. I really couldn’t pretend I cared about him. The women all concurred with my sentiments, but they insisted that they had to support Barbara in her time of grief. OK, that I could understand. They attended; I didn’t.
Some time elapsed before I saw Barbara again. So, when I did eventually run into her she asked why I hadn’t attended Dean’s memorial service. I mentioned that I couldn’t fake any sorrow for Dean and his abusive actions. In an instance of sheer ignorance, I expressed my utter disregard for Dean. If there was a type of a person I had no mercy for, it was a woman-beater. I stood there and poured it on.
Barbara’s face suddenly grew sad as I admitted that all this time I actually despised Dean. Plus, I had been very animated and detailed when I disclosed to her my true feelings about Dean. Perhaps I expected that because Dean was no longer a threat, Barbara would have viewed herself as emancipated- saved from a life of Dean’s induced misery. I figured that the more I let her know that I knew about their torrid relationship (and that I was empathetic to her plight), the more she would see that I was on her side in the matter. I sincerely hoped that Barbara would realize that I was trying to offer her some type of genuine empathetic understanding.
Despite any misgivings I had from knowing what I knew, Barbara didn’t see the situation my way. The more I piled it on, the angrier she grew. A slow frown crept across her face, and I could see her starting to tremble as she attempted to hold back her sorrow. Her eyes welled up and tears began to stream down her cheeks. She was obviously trying not to cry. Barbara had had enough of my onslaught against Dean. She grabbed my arm and firmly told me to stop! Still trying not to cry she said, “Yeah, those may have been some of the worst days of my life, but some of the greatest times of my life were spent with him too!” She stopped trying to hold back crying, let go of my arm, and hurried into her car. She quickly started the engine, peeled out, and sped away.
After the dust had settled, I brushed myself off and stood there bewildered at what had just happened. The only thing I was able to think about was how could I have missed out on seeing things from the angle Barbara had just expressed to me? I searched my head for a hint of any favorable memory I could recall about the two. I couldn’t recall any, but that didn’t mean that Barbara was a liar. Just because I couldn’t recall any good memories of Dean doesn’t mean they didn’t exist. Obviously Barbara had experienced some.As I stood there processing the scene that had just played out in front of me, a light bulb went on over my head; in those rare instances when Dean would have been affectionate or even nice to Barbara, she would have eaten them up. Those times with Dean would have meant the world to her.
In her mind, life wasn’t all bad with Dean; they also had some great times together!
At that moment I realized that it wasn’t any of the absolute behaviors that characterized their relationship, but rather it was the ratio of good-to-bad experiences. I felt embarrassed by what I had just done. Perhaps I had just ruined the remaining good memories she was hanging on to. Although I didn’t agree with her assessment of the relationship they shared together, it was now over. Maybe I should have just left well-enough alone.
*******
onlinerelationshiphandbook.com
pete padilla