The first phase of a breakup almost always begins with denial. You think, “This can’t be happening to me.” Thus, the focus of this first phase of a breakup is to recover the relationship’s glorious past. With increasing distance from the actual day you split up, your brain begins to play tricks on you. You will go through a period called Relationship Revisionist Disorder, or RRD, in which you tend to only remember the good times and start to get tempted to reconcile.
When you breakup, you should eliminate contact. Thus, familiarity will disappear. Gone. Just-like-that. In the short run, that familiarity void will make you ask yourself, “Did I just dump the love of my life?
Of the songs you hear during the day, some will begin to stick out; normally the ones centered on themes about reconciling. During this phase, you will also be on constant guard, always on the lookout for you ex (unless you live far apart thank goodness). Every vehicle even resembling theirs immediately catches your eye. A song, a driving rout, a special location, a television show etc. they all remind you of the glorious past, and then they remind you some more. You never realized how many people have the same hair, car, and clothes as your ex!
During this initial phase of the breakup, a partner who doesn’t want to end the relationship tends to enter into denial. Their goal during this phase is to recover the relationship’s “glorious past.” After all, the partner was a witness to the good old days and knows it’s a real possibility that the relationship CAN go there (hypothetically). After all, they’ve lived it before.
At this point, if the partner that is attempting to recover the past even thinks about the future, it only resembles the past. In their mind, that is what is at stake here; recovering the past. Memories of good times of the past seem to contrast the hurt and seeming limbo of the immediate present. Thus, recovering the past appears even more tempting; even if it’s motivated by false expectations. The future and its potential reality get ignored at this point. Such a misstep will surely come back to haunt whomever chose to ignore it earlier; the future they dreaded will arrive and they won’t have a plan.
With increasing distance from the actual day you split up, your brain begins to play tricks on you. You will go through a period called Relationship Revisionist Disorder, or RRD, in which you tend only to remember the good times, and will thus get tempted to reconcile; even if it is only motivated as an attempt to relieve the potentially heart-crushing pain associated with this phase. And to make matters worse, the context of the break up begins to morph. Say you were upset about your partner always being late. Now that partner is NEVER returning, “late” may now seem to pale in comparison to “never” and hence, you will get tempted to reconcile. You may even convince yourself that it would be easier to get back together and just bite your tongue, and then put up with “late.
One of the drawbacks of a breakup is that when you do end up with a new partner, you will have to go through the process of disclosure and getting familiar with each other. These were already established with your ex. Depending upon how long you were together; there was probably a lot of intimate disclosure on both sides. This familiarity is what is difficult to give up. You know habits, tendencies, your ex’s family information, sexual desires, family secrets and other intimate details about your ex. All of this will have to be re-established just to get where you are currently. With these ideas floating around in your head, you may be tempted to ask yourself, “Did I just dump the love of my life?”
This phase of a breakup is raw and emotional. Thus, during this denial phase, there will items that will eventually come to remind you of these trying times. These memories can be physical objects, people, songs, events; anything really. The key is that these items will become associated with this heart-felt phase. Later on, after you have reached closure and have moved on, when you see these items, you will remember and associate them with this often-trying phase of your breakup.
“I’ll show you!”
Face it, during this phase, it’s still about your ex. Your ex is still your emotional “validator.” That is, you still look to them for approval. You still strive to please them in some fashion/ manner. The day after his breakup, my friend joined a gym. Soon after this presto-chango, we were talking on the phone and he commented, “Just wait until I accidentally bump into her at her work, in my new body, with my new car and threads.” During a bout with full-blown denial, many people go to incredible lengths to show their ex how much they are willing to change in order to keep the relationship intact.
It’s critical to look at what’s actually happening, measured in action and not just talk. For example, after your ex broke the news; after they did-the-deed, did they give you your stuff back? When someone really wants you out of their life, they will give you your stuff back to preclude having to see you in the future.
After a breakup, you had places that you attended because of “your” life. You had places that you attended because of “their” life events. Then there are places you go as a couple; with a mixed / shared identity. It’s obvious that “boyfriend duties” would cease. Likewise, you would no longer expect “girlfriend duties” from your ex, nor would either of you expect to interact much, if at any (unless children are involved). But who “owns” or has the right to keep showing up in places that used to be a joint territory; that were once shared.
Remember what we meant by “timing”; after a breakup, what are the odds that you will run into your ex? After the initial split, you will become hyper-alert to the fact that you may accidentally run into your ex. Your head will be on a swivel as you constantly scan your environment for any clue of your ex’s presence. You wouldn’t believe how many SUV’s are the same colors as your ex’s. Hair styles, clothes, the way someone walks. They all resemble something about your ex and immediately catch your attention. This paranoia can become very annoying, but I’m not sure this phenomenon can be eliminated.
During the denial phase, you may be hurting so much, that it rocks your world to the core. In cases where the pain is so intense, the person experiencing this type of pain often gets tempted to make amends, or at least offer in an attempt to shut off the damn pain!
One thing that will likely suffer during a breakup is your sleep. A breakup plays havoc with your brain. You obsess, then you obsess about obsessing. So when it comes time to shut down and sleep, your brain isn’t ready, nor is it willing. Consequently, you’re going to have some sleepless nights. But don’t stress about that fact, you have more important things on your plate right now. Some people end up taking sleeping pills in order to sleep. However, be careful with any sort of drug. You may become dependent on these drugs even when you no longer are undergoing the breakup process.
A breakup can wreak havoc on your appetite. One minute you will be hungry, and the next thing you know you will be staring at a warm, freshly-cooked meal and nodesire to eat it. Therefore you will probably lose weight. But don’t be so fast to throw away your old clothes; you’re likely to gain SOME of that weight back at a later date when everything calms down.
During a breakup, I was losing weight at perhaps an alarming rate. One afternoon at the office, my administrative assistant said, “Pete, you’re looking good! How are you losing so much weight? I want to know your secret.”
I could only laugh inside as I replied, “You don’t want to know.”
She remained insistent and said, “Yeah, I really do. Go ahead and tell me.”
Again I tried to avoid telling her my secret and said, “No, you really don’t.”
She looked at me with her mother eyes, put her hands on her hips and demanded to know.
I said, “Okay, get a divorce. You’ll loose a ton of weight!”
She just stood there scowling at me. I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself. I was just saying.
Sometimes reality may be tough to face; and you may not feel at all motivated to get out of bed in the morning. After all, during the initial phase of this breakup, you likely have a lot of thoughts racing through your head. Thus, you may NOT even want to get out of your warm and cozy bed to meet the mean and cruel world. But during a breakup, you need to circulate. Getting out of bed leads to social circulation and social circulation is where new memories are made. Plus, if you stay in bed too long, you may need professional help (you already may).
This section provided the viewer with some of the social psychology associated with phase one of a breakup. The focus during this period is to try and resurrect a dying relationship. Please the heart, find a way back. Also, breakups are not usually clean. They normally involve a few temporary breakups that eventually lead to the permanent breakup. Thus, never say never.
*******
online relationship handbook
onlinerelationshiphandbook.com