“Men fall in love through their eyes. Women fall in love through their ears.”
“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.”
Men and women often operate on “different sheets of music.” Because of their dissimilar socialization processes, they often have different points of view on the same “reality.” This social difference between the sexes also occurs because of the double standard. Essentially, what the double standard does is hold each gender to different social expectations (at least outwardly).
Because of their dissimilar socialization processes, they often have different points of view on the same “reality.”
For example, a man who acquires a number of sexual partners is viewed as a “stud.” The label “stud,” in this sense, has a positive social connotation. On the other hand, a woman who has more than one sex partner is likely to be labeled “easy” or even vulgar belittling labels such as “whore.” In this case of a woman having multiple sex partners, the label has a negative social connotation. The gender differences are not only limited to the sexual realm, but there are also many realms of gender differences in definition, meaning and social interpretation.
When a man and woman first date, they are likely to go eat dinner together. While at dinner, the woman is probably very aware of her food: how large the portions are, calories in the dish she ordered, etc. She may ask herself questions related to how much food should she order. Then after the food order arrives, she may be self-conscious about how much food she should actually eat. If she eats too much food (in her eyes that is), she may worry whether or not she will look like a pig to her date.
The man, on the other hand, will also be aware of what food she orders. His thinking is on a more economic level. His concern isn’t necessarily about how much she will look like a pig (by eating large portions). Rather his concern is whether or not she barely eats the meal he is paying for. To him, the food she doesn’t consume is a waste of his hard-earned money.
Another realm in which there is a noticeable gender difference is in expressing emotions. Men often comment that women are “too emotional.” That is, some men feel that women get too emotional about issues that, in their eyes, could be dealt with in a calmer, more rational manner. These men feel that becoming too emotional about an issue is a hindrance to rational, clear thinking. Yet, in the long run, women’s emotional behavior may have some social benefits after all. For example, women are not discouraged from keeping their network of other women intact through frequent phone calls and text messages, emailing one another, or having the Sex in the City Sunday brunches. During these “chats,” women are free to express their feelings about a number of issues related to their lives. This can prove to be very useful, and at times, therapeutic to these women, especially during a breakup.
Men, on the other hand, are not generally encouraged to act or talk emotionally. Thus, when a man is faced with grief (e.g. a break up, a death), the man is often at odds with himself about how to deal with the emotional aspects of the grieving process. This emotional grieving is a normal part of life, and, more specifically, is a vital feature of any healing process.
Obviously gender differences are not limited to these two areas. There are plenty of social arenas with such differences. This is not to say that all men are emotionless, or that all women are always full of irrational emotions. This type of thinking is rather naïve and too simplistic, but does exist to some extent. What I’m saying is that these general patterns exist and that the viewer should be aware of their existence. My intention here is to make the viewer aware of the existence of gender differences. Such differences affect communication, which is crucial to healthy relationships.
Michelle Dislikes Kevin Before She Even Meets Him
“When it came to women, Kevin could close a deal when there wasn’t even a deal to close.” Those are the words I remember using to describe my friend Kevin to my girlfriend Michelle. Some of us men that knew Kevin were somewhat jealous of his sexual prowess. What guy wouldn’t be? Kevin had a gift. What I failed to realize was that women didn’t necessarily view a man like Kevin in the same light as some of us men did. Women didn’t necessarily like Kevin. He could be a jerk, and in their eyes he was nothing less than a man-whore.
When I was in college, I met a woman named Michelle. Immediately we hit it off and began what would turn out to be a long-term relationship. As most couples do when they first meet, we both began the process of self-disclosure. That is, we started to tell each other about our families, friends, and our sometimes crazy relatives. I heard all about her extended family, her neighborhood, and her fellow schoolmates. I proceeded to do the same and told her about my family and my circle of friends. It was during that conversation that I told her about my friend Kevin.
Shortly after I met Michelle, I told her all about Kevin’s abilities to “close the deal.” I told Michelle how Kevin had even slept with two sisters, and then after that, had sex with his wife. I know what some women are thinking while reading this, but give me a chance to explain in greater detail. Evidently, Kevin performed so well during sex with one sister; she went home and told the other sister about Kevin’s sexual talents.
The other sister went to Kevin’s house, knocked on the door and asked whether or not he was Kevin. He said he was and after that, she introduced herself. Then the woman demanded some of what he had given her sister. Kevin was surprised; after all, in our group, this type of behavior was nothing short of amazing. Kevin thought to himself that this type of situation didn’t happen very often, so he obliged. The sister also left satisfied. After Kevin’s wife came home from work, Kevin also had sex with her.
After I finished telling Michelle about this event involving Kevin, she said in no uncertain terms that she didn’t like Kevin. That comment took me by complete surprise! After all, Michelle had never even met him. I was thinking that she should at least meet him before she made that type of decision.
Somehow Michelle could tell that I was puzzled by her comment. She told me that Kevin was selfish and that he used women for sex. As much as I wanted to resist her assessment and argue, I couldn’t. Because the more I thought about it (and I was doing some pretty quick thinking), the more I could see her point.
A few months after that incident, I was telling Michelle yet another story about Kevin’s sexploits. She immediately became upset and again commented that Kevin was a pig. Again, I couldn’t argue with her since I had brought it up. I tried to downplay her remark by saying that she just didn’t know Kevin very well. I told Michelle that if she actually met Kevin, that she would realize his redeeming qualities and change her mind. Despite my wishful thinking, Michelle never changed her mind.
About two years after having this conversation, Michelle made a comment that surprised me. She claimed that when she and I first met, that I wasn’t planning to stay with her for very long. She basically accused me of going along for the sexual ride with no real plans to stay with her over the long haul. I had no clue where this line of reasoning was coming from, nor did I have a clue where it was headed. Thus, I asked her why she had made such a remark. Michelle told me that when I said things that painted Kevin’s sex life in a positive light, such talk told her that I never planned on her meeting Kevin.
Michelle went on to tell me that if I had planned on her eventually meeting Kevin (he was one of my best pals), that I wouldn’t have told her those types of stories about him. From then on she didn’t like him and they hadn’t even met – yet. By her own logic, perhaps Michelle was right. At that point, that’s all that really mattered. Oh well, it was too late to worry about that now. Actually I hadn’t given the issue much though.
Some years later I graduated from college. My friends and family made the trip to attend the graduation ceremonies, including my friend Kevin. At the time, Michelle was involved with a sorority. She and her sorority “sisters” attended the graduation ceremony and the subsequent graduation party. Her “sisters” were young and attractive women. You can imagine how excited Kevin was to see so many cute, young coeds show up to the party. As Kevin circulated and tried to flirt with these women, it was obvious that they didn’t want anything to do with him.
This was such a big surprise; Kevin unable to pick up women at a party?!?!? Michelle’s friends seemed to be avoiding him like he had a disease or something. As it turns out, Michelle had put the word out: Kevin was a man-whore. Michelle had warned her “sisters” to steer clear of him. I genuinely felt bad for Kevin; he had no clue why his luck was so bed that night, and I was too embarrassed to tell him.
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