“Do I love you because you’re beautiful, Or are you beautiful because I love you?”

– Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella

Another important concept to understanding about relationships is that of a conditioning index. According to Webster’s New College Dictionary (1949, 424), an index is: “A ratio or other number derived from a series of observations and used as an indicator or measure of a certain condition.” This series of observations provide multiple exposures to varying social conditions. In regard to relationships then, people use these various observations to make generalizations about their own place in the attraction “market.” Their self-assessment then, compared against others, serves as a basic measure of their own personal power to make things happen. In short, a person’s standing on the playing field,(assessed by self and others) amounts to one’s “league.”

“A ratio or other number derived from a series of observations and used as an indicator or measure of a certain condition.”

Let’s take a moment to examine this idea of a “conditioning index” using plain language. People often use the game of baseball as a metaphor for one’s “league” to orient their own conceptualization of where they stand in the overall power structure of dating and attraction.

In the baseball analogy, a major league player is one who is able to catch the interest of very attractive, sought-after types. On the other hand, a minor-leaguer is someone who is only able to get the attention of the lesser-attractive types. Those in the major league tend to have more options and can be choosy in their pursuits, while those in the minor league tend to have limited options and bargaining power and, despite their wishes, may have to “settle for” a partner.

Assessing one’s social status requires a two-step process. The first assessment is made about how low or how high one ranks in status. The second step provides further assessment in terms of the value of such rank: low being bad, high being good. These dual assessments provide enough cross-referencing to serve as a reliable, measurable index.

In turn, this concept of someone’s “league” (as a tool of estimation 1-10) facilitates interaction between people. As an abstract measuring device, it ultimately allows persons to orient themselves toward each other. The people in the same “league” operate with a similar orientation. This orientation ultimately affects their sense of personal power.

“Eventually, after some initial trials and errors, we come to learn what “works” and what does NOT work.”

Sometime early in our social lives we learn about the forces governing attraction. Our “attraction education” begins when we get our first puppy-love crush, and it continues for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, as relationship novices, our beginning skill are often acquired using a trial and error approach. Eventually, after some initial trials and errors, we come to learn what “works” and what does NOT work. (Some people, though, never really seem to get a clue). We learn to generalize for the purpose of social orientation; our own as well as others.

As we grow older, our league evolves either for the better or for the worse. In our teenage years, for instance, we expect to be attracted to other teens and them to us. Then as we age, our appearance changes, and our league follows suit as we lose, maintain, or in some cases rise in status and rank. Because the market forces govern relationships, they operate according to a logical equilibrium. Thus, middle-aged individuals often experience a related shift in the types of people they are able to attract. In one sense people should gain some practical knowledge by just surviving through life for as long as they have. Knowledge from the “school of hard knocks” is invaluable in this regard. Our bodies, though, often begin to lose the battle with gravity. So, despite the fact that people tend to get wiser at matters of the heart, they also begin to show their physical age. This explains the adage, “Too bad youth is wasted on the young.”

“Too bad youth is wasted on the young.”

The last items to discuss in this section are the social forces that govern the attraction market and ultimately any changes that take place within this social realm. These forces amount to a system in which people come to generalize about what they deem fair play. Any social expectations, calculated risks, or interpersonal demands are based upon this general feeling of fairness.

For instance, a college freshman who still dates a high school senior is within the bounds of society’s acceptable dating behaviors. However, should a college freshman date an eighth-grader, most people would consider this type of behavior unacceptable. As a result of these forces, most people learn to play in the league appropriate to their attractiveness, their resulting social status, and their ever-evolving skill at seduction and romance.

The point here is that people become conditioned by, and accustomed to, their particular level of social power. That is, they come to recognize their social power based on physical attractiveness, their resulting social status, and any related social interaction skills they’ve developed. Such interaction ultimately affects a person’s confidence and skill at attracting others. In slang terms, this overall mix of social desirability, social status and skill at seduction is referred to as one’s “game.” In short, as people’s league (and their development of their game) emerges and evolves, it affects their sense of power to produce any desired effects.

My First Date; Well, Almost

Denver West High School

During high school, I wasn’t very attractive. In fact, some of the people I chummed around with used to joke that I had a face for radio. Yet, despite my lack of aesthetically pleasing features, I did have a number of “friendgirls.” These were women who tended to enjoy my company, but weren’t interested in pursuing any romantic relationship. Not to mention that being physically attractive was a huge part of being part of the “in crowd” at my high school during the late 1970’s. Thus, my lack of good looks meant that I really didn’t have much social status.

A number of the popular girls at my high school preferred hanging out with me more than they did with some of the more popular students, but were unwilling to do so in the school lunchroom where the popular crowd hung out “to be seen.” These girls often went out to eat with me “on-the-sly.”

Rose, the girlfriend of the popular quarterback, for example, would ask me to meet her on the corner just off campus where she would drive (her boyfriend’s car) to go eat. We would drive to a nearby Burger King and eat, joke, laugh, and generally converse about everything and anything. After we finished eating, she would drive me back to the corner, drop me off, and then return to campus. No one in the popular crowd was ever the wiser.

These friend-girls came up with the idea of setting me up on a date with one of their single girlfriends. They figured that if I was interesting and fun to be around, I should have a girlfriend that would appreciate these qualities. In their attempts to play matchmaker, these girls told one of their friends about me, gave me her phone number, and told me to give her a call. (They adhered to the idea that a male should call a female.)

The plan was for me to call the girl, and since I had the gift of gab, we could meet one another by first engaging in interesting discussions. Thus, in theory, over the phone, this girl would be impressed with my personality and what we had talked about. This way when we did meet, she would be less inclined to be put off by my “radio face.” Since this plan seemed to hold some promise, I was beginning to grow excited.

My friend-girls gave me the phone number of a girl named Diana. After some initial reluctance, I got up the courage to call her. We ended up talking for hours about everything under the sun. Then after about a week of great conversations, we both decided it was time we should meet face-to-face. Since I was the male, it was only fitting that I would go to her house.

We agreed to meet at her house on the upcoming Friday around 7:00 P.M., and from there we would decide what to do next. I was so excited! Diana seemed cool. We had talked on the phone about myriad of subjects including politics, dating, popularity, 1970s fashion, and we even talked extensively about our families and their quirks. We seemed to be on the same frequency, and as I said, I was very anxious to meet Diana in person.

That Friday, I was looking forward to finally meeting the girl with whom I had practically shared my entire life story. I figured that she must have also felt the same way I did; after all, we had talked for hours on the phone and seemed to be comfortable with each other. So, in a state of excitement, I arrived at her house about 6:50 P.M. I knocked on the door and nervously awaited an answer.

A young woman roughly my age opened the door and said, “You must be Pete.” She quickly shook my hand and introduced herself as Barbara, Diana’s sister. Then Barbara invited me inside and asked me whether or not I wanted something to drink. As she served the beverage, Barbara told me that Diana was upstairs getting ready. Although I was nervous, that piece of information sounded good to my ears; she was preparing to meet me. I thought to myself that perhaps this incident was turning into something I had never experienced: a real date.

Barbara also seemed excited and told me to have a seat on the couch while she went upstairs and told her sister I had arrived. She easily skipped up the staircase while I sat downstairs and pondered my fate. In no time, Barbara was back downstairs and told me that Diana would be down shortly. Now I was really nervous.

Soon after that, Diana began her descent down the stairs. She began talking from the top of the staircase as she slowly made her way down into view. As she descended each stair, I could tell that she was assessing the situation. Her eyes were searching, looking for something. As Diana neared the middle of the staircase, her pace slowed, and she stopped talking. Then we made eye contact. Diana’s eyes widened and her expression turned very serious. Then she stopped completely, paused for a moment, turned back toward the top of the staircase, and blurted out, “No way man! I’m not going out with him!” She ran the rest of the way up the stairs and disappeared from view.

I was slow to make sense of what had just happened. After all, Diana and I had had such interesting phone conversations; hadn’t we? We had both agreed to meet each other with what seemed to be anxious enthusiasm. I sat on that couch dumbfounded. My disappointment must have been obvious because in an effort to help me save face, Barbara looked at me and said, “Let me go upstairs and fix this.” She hurried up the stairs while I attempted to make sense of the rapidly unfolding events, which seemed to be happening both in slow motion and terribly fast motion simultaneously.

I could clearly hear Diana and Barbara upstairs arguing about what had just happened. I listened attentively, still hoping to salvage the date. But I had no clue how a real date was supposed to unfold; I’d never actually been on one. All I knew was that this one wasn’t panning out the way I had thought it would. I wanted to remain optimistic, but it was getting more difficult to do with each passing second. I clearly heard Barbara say to her, “Come on, don’t be so rude.” To that, Diana just kept on repeating, “No way man, I’m not doing it.

The argument must have progressed into an adjacent room because I heard a door slam and their argument was no longer audible. Barbara was soon descending the stairs in a slow but deliberate manner. She told me that Diana was being a “b**ch” and that what had just happened wasn’t my fault. I realized Barbara was just trying to help me feel better, but I knew the blame lay with me.

My heart suddenly felt heavy with disappointment. I had never been on a real date before, and thus, I had been looking forward to that night with eager anticipation. Diana’s sister showed me to the door, all the while calling her sister a few choice words. But by this time, I knew better; my “radio face” had let me down.