In my opinion, every responsible adult is entitled to some sort of sex life. With every couple, each of the partners has two sexual concerns: they enjoy performing certain sexual acts, and they enjoy certain sexual acts being performed on them.
If one of the partners enjoys performing what the other partner enjoys receiving, their sexual needs are likely to be compatible. In this case it would probably result in a satisfying sex life for both partners. However, if one of the partners (either one) does not particularly enjoy performing what type of sexual stimulation the other partner enjoys receiving, then the likelihood of the partners becoming sexually frustrated increases due to not having their sexual needs met. This can go both ways.
What should a couple do in this type of scenario? The magic word here is compromise. The manner in which the couple negotiates and cooperates with each other is up to them. Since every couple’s situation is unique, there is no fast and easy solution to this type of problem. Most aspects of a relationship require some sort of compromise and effort, and sex lives are no exception.
To scientists and to sociologists alike, spiritual stimulation is a rather interesting social phenomenon. Because so much of religious activity is based in faith, it mostly defies scientific explanation. Therefore, in relationships, religious activities are often a point of contention for many partners with different levels of faith.
One common cause of disagreements between partners is the other partner’s degree of devotion to any particular religious dogma. For example, I have a friend who is a “Cafeteria Catholic.” That is, he picks and chooses which tenet of the Catholic faith he feels like following (at any given time). His wife, on the other hand, feels that a rule is a rule, and thinks that my friend should follow all of them equally. In order for their relationship to work, sometimes they have to agree to disagree.
I have another friend who is a devout Catholic and tries to follow the tenets of Catholicism to the letter. His big passion is Lent (the period between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday). Most old-school Catholics give up something for Lent. My friend though, gives up at least ten “things” for Lent. He figures that if Christ had to suffer for people’s sins, he could do his share of suffering himself. His wife has a problem understanding this logic, so she teases him. One time I overheard her asking if he was “auditioning to be Jesus.” He doesn’t usually appreciate this type of humor about something he feels so strongly about, and every year during Lent they usually get into a tiff about whatever he chooses to give up. He’s even threatened to give her up for Lent.
Imagine a couple trying to forge a successful relationship under these types of social conditions. Thus, if one of the partners is more religious or spiritual than the other, the partner who feels less strongly about any issues pertaining to religious devotion must allow her partner to practice his spiritual beliefs in the manner he deems appropriate. The other partner should not make him feel ashamed by making derogatory remarks about his beliefs/spirituality. Of course this is often easier said than done. Sometimes this difference between partners will not become a problem because before the two would ever meet (remember path trajectories), a religious social filter would sift out any “unqualified” relationship candidates.
Most people work some sort of job in order to spend their leisure time doing something they enjoy. Some people are the avid outdoor types, while others are more comfortable with the indoor amenities of life. Some people enjoy being active; they enjoy skiing, traveling, playing sports, scuba diving, etc., while others are content with being a couch potato and rarely sweat, even for sex. Are two partners who have completely different recreational styles incompatible? Not necessarily.
Again, a compromise between the two may be necessary. If one partner’s needs are met at the expense of the other’s there will surely be problems in the relationship. However, if each partner understands not to collect running water, and allows the other partner to express his/her own needs, compatibility between the two types is possible.
My Sister Sure Loves Playing Softball.
It seems as though my youngest sister has played softball all of her life. When she was a mere child, she would attend our dad’s softball games. While there, she would retreat under the bleachers where she would pretend and play her own imaginary games. In high school she was the star player. In college, she played well enough to earn herself a full-ride scholarship. After graduating from college, her enthusiasm for the game remained intact; she played on no less than five teams in three separate city leagues. My sister sure loves playing softball.
After my sister got married, and despite her husband’s objections, she still wanted to play on as many teams and in as many leagues as she had in the past. This point of contention between her and her husband eventually spilled over into the extended families. She made family members choose sides and goaded them to express their opinion. Soon enough our mother became concerned about the matter, and confidently told my sister that she needed to scale back her involvement with softball. Of course my sister balked at the suggestion and began to argue and rationalize with our mom.
Our mom told my sister that she either needed to scale back her involvement with her various softball leagues or that she needed to join a coed league and include her husband in at least half of the activities. Despite some initial stubborn resistance, my sister realized the wisdom of our mom’s suggestions and soon gave in to some of her husband’s demands. They joined a couple of leagues together and have ended up taking first place in the adult competitive leagues every summer.
Even in a strong, healthy relationship, both partners may not be equally interested in the same type of intellectually-stimulating material. In fact, it’s very likely that partners will have different intellectual interests. Today, in a relatively educated society, some people also need more intellectual stimulation than others. These types are always reading about some new theory or a new discovery of some sort. They thoroughly enjoy talking about, and debating with others, their newfound knowledge. If an intellectual partner is paired with a non-intellectual person (a non-intellectual in this sense does not necessarily refer to someone without “smarts”), the intellectual-minded partner often feel like he/she is caged-in, stifled, smothered and ready to break out of his/her perceived confinement. Whenever the relationships of these intellectual types get to this point, they will seek out other intellectuals to engage in conversation. If they are not afforded a legitimate outlet for such intellectual activity, they may find a secret venue to meet their needs.
Sometimes even two intellectuals may not enjoy the same type of intellectual stimulation. My last girlfriend, for example, didn’t really enjoy talking about sociological theory. I, on the other hand, was fascinated by it! I would constantly read whatever social theory book I could get my hands on. She would make remarks such as, “You pay more attention to those books than you do to me.” I told her that I needed to read about theoretical sociology and discuss it with someone, or I was going to get frustrated. She eventually came to understand my point of view. After that, I was able to enjoy my passion. In fact, she even volunteered to drive me to and from a weekly theory discussion group a few of us graduate students had started to do just that: discuss social theory.
Adventurous stimulation is different from recreational stimulation. When a person is adventurous, they like to go out and try new things. You might say they have an affinity for discovery. These types have little fear of the unknown. They tend to prefer the unpredictable and don’t like to remain static for too long. They enjoy traveling to new locations or taking on some type of risk, such as starting a business, parachuting, or perhaps flying a helicopter into a remote Alaskan glacial range. Being adventurous doesn’t necessarily mean that the risk involved is life-threatening or illegal (although to some of these types, this is what makes it rewarding); it just means that the person tends to get stimulated by new and novel circumstances.
Some of the types of risks these adventurous people enjoy taking are related to gambling, investing, traveling, hand gliding, fighting, and using drugs (obviously these are only a few of the possibilities). Sometimes, if these adventurous types get too comfortable with their lives (e.g. they become too predictable), they will even cause themselves undue risk to meet their stimulation needs.
One characteristic of an adventurous partner is his/her sense of spontaneity. Adventurous types don’t necessarily need a concrete plan from which to work. They are often content with making things up as they go. For these types, that’s often half the fun! But what happens if the other partner isn’t so adventurous? In this case the couple would have to compromise.
Freezing in the Grand Canyon; How Romantic.
After a brief summer visit with my mom in Denver, I was faced with a fifteen hour drive back to Phoenix. I had made that same drive by myself at least a dozen times before. Believe me, it wasn’t something I was looking forward to. At the last minute, my girlfriend flew to Denver so that she could help keep me company during the long trip. She brought her CD collection and promised to entertain me on the trip home. The thought of that brought a smile to my face.
My girlfriend and I had already been on the road for about eight hours when, heading west about sixty miles past Albuquerque, she spotted a green highway mileage sign that read GRAND CANYON 295. “Wow,” she said, “the Grand Canyon is only 295 miles from here.” I asked her whether or not she had ever been to the Grand Canyon. “No I haven’t,” she replied. I must have looked surprised at her answer because I knew that she had lived in Arizona her whole life. Barely able to sit still in her seat, she looked back at me with a pronounced enthusiasm and said, “Hey, let’s go there tonight!”
The drive to the canyon took my girlfriend and me about 300 miles out of our way, and by the time we arrived at the South Rim, it was already 2 AM and very chilly. Although we had driven all this way in my pickup truck, we couldn’t sleep in the camper shell because it was full of furniture (I had agreed to take some things back to my sister who lives in Mesa). So we reclined our seats, put blankets on top of us and attempted to get some sleep.
My original plan had been to show my girlfriend the incredible romantic sunrise that slowly lit up the vast canyon expanses. I remember that particular night at the canyon feeling uncomfortably cold, which was very unusual for a July night in Arizona. So, when we woke up before sunrise hoping to see the miraculous view of the sun slowly revealing the various colors of the canyon walls, neither one of us could keep focused long enough to appreciate its beauty. Neither one of us could stand the bitter cold (we were dressed in shorts and t-shirts). Let’s just say I had real frost on my Frosted Flakes that morning! We ended up having to go back into the truck and run the heater. Unfortunately, we were never able to comfortably experience that romantic sunrise.
Later that day, my girlfriend and I were hiking, and we visited one of the Ranger stations on the South Rim. While there, she noticed a posted report that contained weather statistics from the previous night (for hikers and the like). As it turned out, a freak cold front had blown in during the night. The temperature had actually gotten down in the low 40s. Since it was dark when we arrived, we had no idea what had caused the unusual cold spell, but we sure felt it!
That afternoon we finished touring the rim area of the canyon. At about 3 PM, we began the drive back to hot Phoenix. We were both disappointed that we hadn’t been able to experience the romantic view of a Grand Canyon sunrise. Yet, despite this let down, during the drive home, my girlfriend gently grasped my hand, gave it a soft kiss, and then thanked me for taking her to the canyon. She said that although it had been a freezing fiasco, we’d both be able to laugh about this trip at a later date. Some partners would have gotten upset when things didn’t go exactly as planned. Not her; she said that she sincerely appreciated the fact that she had been able to at least experience it with me.
Some partners are drama queens/kings. They tend to get emotionally involved with random things happening around them. For instance, one of my friends has a girlfriend who is always overly-concerned with other people’s problems. She gets all caught up with trying to solve their problems for them. She usually ends up causing more problems for herself and those around her. My friend’s girlfriend finds things to be emotional about. For instance, when Princess Diana died, she was a complete mess, and she didn’t even personally know the woman! She brought that drama home by calling in sick to work, acting dramatic with her boyfriend and generally making sure everyone knew the she “really” cared about Princess Diana.
If these drama types are paired with a partner who is not as emotionally dramatic as they are, problems will definitely arise in their relationship. Again, I cannot offer any concrete solution to this type of problem. I included this section as a means of bringing this issue to the reader’s attention. In any event, I imagine that any solution to this type of problem would again involve a healthy amount of compromise. Perhaps that way two of these types can save the world together!
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