6
“Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference”
“Indifference is the strongest force in the universe. It makes everything it touches meaningless. Love and hate don’t stand a chance against it.”
– Joan Vinge.
American culture tends to divide our view of “things” into artificial dichotomies (only two sides). For example, “things” are conservative or liberal; good or bad; wrong or right; or any other number of opposing labels. In many instances, there is nothing inherently wrong with perceiving our social world in these terms. However, when we think only in this manner, sometimes these supposed “opposing” views are actually artificial dichotomies. In most instances, there is usually some sort of grey involved.
Artificial dichotomies are man-made. Whenever we think along these lines, we view things in terms of opposites (in one direction or the other) when this isn’t necessarily the case. When this type of misconception occurs, dividing the view into only two seemingly opposing categories, we lose sight of a swatch of grey that may be as equally important as the two more conventional “views.”
When it comes to relationships, people often perceive their feelings for their partner in such an artificial manner. Take, for example, when a couple is getting along; they tend to have positive feelings toward each other. When the couple is not getting along, they tend to have negative feelings toward one another. This common sense “opposing ideas” perception tends to hide or limit our understanding of relationships. By limiting the perceptual tendencies to only two possibilities, partners often misperceive what is actually happening in their relationship. These misperceptions also affect the way partners interpret their own emotions. Because of this tendency to limit “things” to only two choices, people may not know or understand their true feelings.
Take, for example, the phenomenon of “caring” or having certain feelings for someone. When people are getting what they expect out of a relationship such as love, affection, sex, or any other positive aspect of “caring,” they generally feel good about their status within the relationship. On the other hand, whenever people are not receiving these types of positive aspects of being in a relationship, but are instead experiencing deceit, distrust, or any other negative aspect associated with their relationships, they often have negative feelings toward their partner and / or the relationship.
Yet, just because such a person is experiencing negative feelings toward someone does not necessarily mean they don’t care about their partner (who may be the direct cause of such feelings). Whenever someone is pissed off, it is precisely because they care: they care enough to be pissed off! Whenever a person is indifferent toward someone is when they are experiencing feelings that are the “opposite” of caring. They don’t care enough to be pissed off. In short, indifference is the lack of caring; and love and hate are both potential categories of caring.
This is why some partners use jealousy or anger as a measure (or index) of caring. Let me warn the viewer against such a strategy of using jealousy as a measure of caring. Unfortunately, this is done much more often than I care to comment on. Yet in the end, measuring your partner’s love through jealousy or anger is not a healthy approach to building a strong, lasting relationship.
Linda, the Party, And Then Acting on a Hunch
One summer, my girlfriend Linda and I were suffering through one of our frequent breakup events. This particular split occurred during late summer. And by this time, I had accepted the fact that since we would both be going off to separate colleges soon, this was probably the real thing and not our usual “break up to make up” routine. So I was getting mentally prepared for the inevitable.
Throughout most of that summer, I found a way to work out my relationship frustrations and stay healthy at the same time. I worked out religiously at the local community center gym and was able to stay in good shape. As a result of this discipline, my body shaped up nicely; I was looking good.
That August, shortly before Linda and I were both about to leave for college, I was invited to a party thrown by a mutual friend of ours. My gut told me to mentally prepare to see Linda at the party, and thankfully I listened to my instinct. So, in order to lessen any anxious feelings about attending the bash, I invited my close friend Cindy along. She happened to be a bombshell, but more importantly, she was really fun to hang out with. Plus, whenever I felt sad, Cindy always found a way to lift my spirits.
The Party House Layout
Cindy
When Cindy and I arrived at the party, who do you think we saw almost immediately? If you guessed Linda, you would be correct! Not only was she seated at a location central to the party (right near the keg), but she was also there with a date. Her date was an old rival who had told me that if he ever had a chance to hook up with my girlfriend, that he’d “be all over her.” My stomach suddenly ached as my mood took a noticeable dive.
Cindy must have noticed my mood sink like a lead submarine because she went off without me to get us a couple of beers. When she returned with them, she grabbed me by the hand and led me to a location as far removed from the keg as possible. We ventured all the way down the central hallway and stood outside the furthest bedroom door and settled into the party scene. Cindy could tell I was bummed, so she began talking about things that would improve my mood.
But what were Cindy and I thinking? After an unending line of women had filed past us, I suddenly realized something: this whole time, we had also been standing right next to the entrance to the only bathroom in the house. It was only a matter of time before every woman in the party would have to pass in our direction.
Now I was acutely aware that at any second, Linda could show up in that area of the party house. Sure enough, after about an hour, and with my mood on the upswing, I spotted Linda coming down the hall. She had already seen me and took immediate note that I was partying with an attractive female. Linda must have thought that, like her, I was at the party with a date. (I wasn’t on a date)
I can remember it as though it all happened in slow motion. Linda got up in my face, and with some added enthusiasm, immediately began yelling at me. But by this time, the alcohol was having an effect on me. Normally her yelling would have intimidated me. Not this time though. Instead of bugging me, her yelling was producing a calm reassuring feeling. This calmness came as a complete surprise to me. I had an epiphany: at that moment I realized that in order for her to be so upset, she must have still cared about me! I was elated, I still had a chance! Otherwise, she would have acted indifferent and walked right past me like I wasn’t even there.
This newfound knowledge felt great, and it caused me to smile. Now I couldn’t control my smile; I knew right then and there that I still had a chance with this woman to whom I was still very attracted. Linda didn’t like that I was smiling. That smile only made her more upset, which resulted in even more yelling, but, the more she yelled, the more I thought to myself that she still liked me, causing me to smile even more! Let’s just say our moods went in opposite directions, and they did so really quickly!
As it turned out, Linda didn’t even bother to use the restroom. She just turned around, marched back into the kitchen, and commanded her date to take her home! I could hear him mumbling something about running into me, but I really didn’t care. A feeling of elation came over me as I watched her walk past the hallway on her way out of the party; her date in tow with a look of confusion on his face. With a renewed sense of confidence in the matter, Cindy and I partied like rock stars the rest of the night.
Waking up the next morning was a chore, but I had a hunch I needed to act upon. I decided to drive to Linda’s house and take a chance that my hunch was a valid one. I arrived just as her mom and her little sister were getting ready to leave for church. Her little sister Angela greeted me at the door with a big hug. I quietly asked her, “Where’s your sister?” Angela asked me to wait while she went upstairs to tell Linda that I was there, and that I wanted to talk to her.
Linda came out of her room just as her little sister and mom headed toward the door. Her mom brushed past me with a scowl on her face. She was obviously bothered by my presence. Linda, after all, was her daughter. Her mom’s obvious displeasure with me being there didn’t even faze me because I was on a mission! As the two left for church, her mom hollered up to Linda that they would be back in about an hour. Linda asked me to go wait in the living room while she freshened up a bit. I walked over to the living room and took a seat on the couch. So far, so good.
As I was sitting on that couch in anticipation, I was so anxious that I was actually praying that my hunch would turn out to be correct. Otherwise, I was in for a huge letdown. As Linda approached the couch, I could see that her brow was furrowed, and that she wasn’t necessarily happy to see me. Like the night before, this all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was beginning to sense that this situation could turn out really bad, or, if my hunch proved correct, really good! I couldn’t help but ponder how she was feeling. After all, we were now alone.
As soon as Linda sat down, it was as though someone had lifted the PAUSE button on an iPod. She lit into me with the same ferocity as she had the previous night, which somehow gave me the confidence to do what I did next. I reached over and grabbed the collar of her robe, I pulled her close to me and said, “Just be quiet already and kiss me!” I wasn’t sure what to expect really, but all I can remember is that she instantly stopped griping and began kissing me like I’ve never been kissed before! Let’s just say the family was gone, and we had an hour to work things out (wink, wink). We ended up leaving for college as a couple.
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onlinerelationshiphandbook.com
pete padilla