“To love someone is to give them enough room to grow.”

Every time I went to eat lunch with a group of guys at the Arizona State University Student Union, on the way over to the building, a gorgeous coed was inevitably observed, ogled, and commented on. In these types of situations, I enjoyed asking the guy making the observation, “So you think she is hot huh? If you were her dad, would you let her go out of the house?” The guy usually looked at me with widened eyes and commented, “Man, I know how guys are; I would probably purchase a shotgun and lock her in her room.” This type of comment was par for the course.

Next I would inquire, “OK, so you lock her in her room. Do you think she would want to stay in there?”

“Hell, I don’t care!” the guy would usually counter, “I know how guys are, and I wouldn’t want them to be all over her.”

I then asked, “Since she doesn’t want to feel caged up, do you think that she would try and escape?”

“I don’t know,” they would answer, “Probably.” They aren’t usually too sure what to say after this type of exchange.

This is precisely what a lot of people do when they are in a relationship; they attempt to keep their partner in a metaphorical “cage.” Out of their own feelings of insecurity, these types become controlling and attempt to limit their partner’s lifestyle. According to the insecure person’s logic, putting their partner in a “cage” helps ensure that they will not be tempted by others (since no others “can get to them”). Unfortunately such thinking leads these insecure types to also restrict their partner’s personal growth and development.

According to the logic of Zen Buddhism, severely restricting your partner’s social life will have quite the opposite effect of drawing them nearer to you (Watts, 1951). Restricting a person’s life will make them want to escape the “cage” that has been created for them. Because of the feelings of insecurity, these insecure types, in turn, place unfair restrictions on their partner. Unfortunately, for these insecure types, this is an all-too-common occurrence.

Every semester I ask my students, “Is it possible to collect running water?” Invariably, a few of them reply in the affirmative. Next, I ask these students to explain how it’s possible to collect the water? At least one of them will reply confidently (and often in a snooty manner) with something to the effect of, “Duh, put it in a cup or a bucket.”

To this seemingly “obvious” answer, I counter with, “Once the water is in the cup or bucket, does it continue to run?” The student normally becomes somewhat defensive as they realize the only possible answer to the question is that no, it is not possible to “collect” running water. Next I tell my students that one of the most common mistakes people make – collecting running water – almost always has negative consequences.

No one enjoys having their lifestyle unnecessarily restricted. Most people may compromise and agree to live according to a dual agenda, but most people don’t want to live almost entirely by someone else’s agenda.

When some people enter into a relationship, they often attempt to change their partner. Think about this: how many people do you know who will let you be yourself unconditionally? If your answer is more than one or two, consider yourself wealthy. Nearly all social relationships are conditional (hence the term “conditions of association”). That is, most relationships have explicit, as well as implicit, expectations and restrictions. The ideal state of unconditional love we like to play lip service to is actually rarer than you think. Since love invites potential vulnerability, most of the time it comes with some sort of conditions.

Don’t get me wrong, some of these restrictions and expectations are created by valid concerns. After all, some types of behavior are illegal, unethical, or immoral (e.g. domestic violence). So, being intolerant of some types of behavior is completely understandable and reasonable. It’s the behavior that stems from a partner’s insecurities that is questionable and often problematic.

An example of an un-alluring aspect of relationships is when someone makes comments such as, “Don’t wear those types of clothes.” “You shouldn’t hang out with so and so.” “Why do you listen to that kind of music?” or “Do you always have to (fill in your partner’s gripe here)?” We tend to build resentment toward people who don’t allow us to be ourselves (again, within reason). Yet, we enjoy being around those who permit us to be ourselves. Moreover, we make an active effort and prefer to be near those who encourage us to be who we really are. Over time, unnecessary or unfair restrictions will surely have a negative effect upon a relationship.

My advice to viewers is this: not only should one not “collect” running water with a partner, but instead, one should “help the water run.” That is, partners should help one another be who they really are (within reason). One should help foster the growth and development of their partner. If someone stifles the growth of their partner, the relationship will soon stagnate and that partner will most likely seek out someone else who will take an active interest in their personal growth and development.

Let me be clear about this point. This suggestion (not relationship advice) involves some risk; as does most valid counsel about matters of the heart. To love someone is to give them enough room to grow. There are no guarantees in life, and this “suggestion” is no exception to the rule. Take it to heart, but do so cautiously.

There is risk involved with most relationships. One risk that is especially pronounced is the possibility that partners may grow apart from one another. Think about your own life; do you enjoy having unwarranted restrictions placed upon you? I would guess not. Do you enjoy being around others who help foster your own personal growth? I would guess that most of us do not want to be around those who place unnecessary or unwarranted restrictions upon us, but instead enjoy the company of those who accept us for who we really are.

That being said, have confidence in the fact that if you let someone grow, and even better, help them grow, they will enjoy your company, seek you out, and will prefer to interact with you. Think seriously about this issue and the take a risk. My bet is that in the long run, such a risk will pay off for you.

And guess who will benefit? That’s right, both you and your partner.

“Some people thinking that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.”

-Unknown