Scroll down to uncover more “keys”…
Attraction is not a choice. If it were, we could immediately will ourselves un-attracted to an ex. Anyone who has been through a breakup can attest to the “voluntary” nature of feelings and any related emotions. Although we can’t control who we become attracted to, we can become educated about why we are attracted to them. Learn more about what causes us to fall in love …
Do nice guys finish last? The leading theory on attraction doesn’t believe they do. In a nutshell, it suggests that in order to become attractive, you should, “Say nice things; do nice things.” But what about the many who are attracted to the people who, “Say mean things; do mean things?” Just look around you, plenty of people are attracted to those who say and do mean things! We can’t merely ignore these cases because they’re not politically correct and we don’t agree with what they represent. This behavior needs to be acknowledged. It should also be incorporated into ANY model purporting to explain attraction, love and relationships. This model incorporates both the positive as well as the negative aspects of relationships. Full-spectrum analysis uses the logic of the yin & yang: opposing forces operating in a balanced union. I will use the bell curve to illustrate this logic. Because my proposed model is based upon full-spectrum logic, it is more far-sighted and practical than the leading model, that by default , assumes that only nice people are attractive (Reinforcement-Affect Theory). Learn more about a new way of looking at love …
EVERY relationship will progress through three stages. I mean every relationship; from a quick hook-up, to a life-long marriage. In addition, each stage has its own unique logic and is governed by the specific social forces associated with it. Establishing a relationship is different than maintaining one. Maintaining a relationship is different from ending one; or Breaking Up. Thus, navigating successfully through each stage requires a unique and specific skill set. Every social interaction associated with a relationship must “fit” into one of these three mutually exclusive categories. Thus, they will serve as our conceptual guide for understanding the logic of how all relationships emerge, develop, and eventually dissolve. This “stage” logic also guides the website’s navigation. Learn more about the 3 stages of ALL relationships …
After a ship sinks, any surviving passengers attempt to stay afloat; yet their bodies want to sink. When someone throws a rock into the deep end of a pool however, and dives in to retrieve it, they want to sink; yet their body wants to float. Relationships are governed by this same logic. In relationships, sometimes when you want white, you tend to get black. When you want black, you tend to get white. Is it ever possible to win? Learn more about the dangers of getting the opposite of what you want …
The Principle of Least Interest states that the person with the LEAST interest in maintaining the relationship ultimately holds the MOST power. I kind-of agree… I would say that it actually may be more about perception. I would revise it to read, “The person with the PERCEIVED least interest holds the power.” Learn more about how the power of “interest” works in relationships …
Most people mistakenly believe that love and hate are the complete opposites of one another. But if you really think about it, both love and hate involve an element of caring. Therefore, they are actually two sides of the same coin; the “caring coin” so-to-speak. After all, if you hate someone, you care enough to be upset. It is indifference that is the lack of caring: and is thus, love and hate’s TRUE opposite. The bottom line is that if you’re upset, you still care. Learn more about how love and hate aren’t the opposites of each other …
“The more often in the recent past a person has received a particular reward, the less valuable any further unit of that reward becomes for him (sic).” (Homans, 1974:29)
A dry sponge can absorb plenty of water. A soaked sponge on the other hand, becomes so saturated with water, that it can no longer absorb any more of it. The sponge has reached critical mass and has become useless and thus, ineffective. The sponge must be wringed-out to regain its usefulness. Like a dessert made with too much sugar, too much nice behavior in a relationship may make it too sweet for the other partner’s taste. As with most things in nature, and in life, balance is the key. Learn more about how too much of a good thing can become a bad thing …
My Ladder Theory goes something like this; it suggests that relationships grow with both good and bad potential growing TOGETHER, and at the same rate. In order for a ladder to function, it needs two vertical side “rails” which support the each side of the horizontal “rungs.” One vertical rail of the ladder represents PLEASURE. The other vertical rail represents PAIN. Together, the two make it possible to climb upward on the horizontal rungs. Novice partners often become so enamored with their newly-established relationship, that the participants convince themselves they can keep taking their relationship to higher and higher levels without any risk. That is, these novice lovers, euphoric in their relationship’s romantic beginnings, believe that they can climb up the “relationship ladder,”using only the PLEASURE side rail; while ignoring the PAIN side rail altogether. Your subconscious, however, is fully aware of the fact that the PLEASURE and PAIN components climb at the same rate. And your subconscious certainly isn’t going to let you forget about this fact. Let me ask you, How far are YOU comfortable climbing? Learn more about how pleasure and pain grow equally in a relationship …
A person’s conditioning index is the same thing as their “league” as far as their flirting and dating abilities are concerned. A person who dates in the major leagues has the power to attract some significant attention and interest. On the other hand, a person may be relegated to dating in the minor leagues. Minor-leaguers don’t normally circulate amongst the “A”-crowd. Nor do minor-leaguers have the power to attract significant attention or interest. This sense of self and the associated “league play” develop over time, and through recurring social interactions. After a while, people get a GENERAL SENSE of where they stand in the “minor” / “major” league system. (Based on the 1-10 logic) Learn more about what relationship “LEAGUE” you play in …
The concept of reinforcement involves “rewarding” some sort of action. RANDOM REINFORCEMENT also involves reinforcing behaviors via some sort of reward system. However, as the label illustrates, the reward itself isn’t our focus; rather our chief concern is the schedule of the reward or reinforcement. The timing of the reward is just as important as the reward itself. Because randomness is “unpredictable,” it is thus virtually impossible to manipulate. Thus, when a person is unable to actively manipulate someone else’s behavior, they eventually stop trying. They learn to put up with whatever happens and focus instead on the future and its possibilities and potential. Random reinforcement affects a relationship by keeping hope alive. People cling to hope; especially romantic true-believers. Beware of the powerful effects of random reinforcement. Because once it has taken hold, it is extremely hard to break free of. Learn more about this insidious phenomenon that often keeps you hooked on the wrong partner …
It’s often said that men and women march to the beat of different drums. This statement seems to ring true, and at times, may even seem to be an understatement. Despite how much that statement may seem to be true, men and women are both governed by the same social forces. In the war between the sexes, it is often conflicting definitions of what’s happening that is the root cause of a couple’s disagreements. Each partner differs in how they define what is occurring. No matter their labels, the forces governing relationships don’t discriminate. Male or female: the same forces are in charge. Mother-nature normally wins out. And guess what, attraction is still not a choice. Learn more about how women and men ARE often on two different sheets of relationship music …
“This is the key to Goffman: his observations are USEFUL, and are thus, RELEVANT: relevant to real life.”
Erving Goffman was a genius. Interestingly enough however, most of my professors warned me to stay away from him. Because Goffman didn’t use statistics to “make his cases,” he was said to be an academic heretic: an impostor of sorts. Instead of using only rigorous scientific analysis, Goffman used everyday life examples that readers could immediately relate to. Plus, Goffman’s examples weren’t full of esoteric terms. Instead his examples leap off the page and hit home with most readers. And since most readers could relate to these examples, they became useful to a broad spectrum of readers. This is the key to Goffman: his observations are USEFUL, and are thus, RELEVANT: relevant to real life.
Goffman’s clever analysis breaks down the basics of social interaction into a theory of IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT. His theory shows how people tend to accentuate and emphasize their positive attributes while simultaneously attempting to hide or downplay their shortcomings. When crafting their social images, Goffman asserts that people follow this logic. Furthermore, Goffman views actors as strategic game-players, as con artists to some degree. By using the metaphor of life as theater, Goffman is able to offer some valuable insights into the strategies and “moves” people use in the pursuit of their everyday life goals. In short, Goffman shows us the “games people play.” Our concern is how these “games” are played in relationships. Learn more about the games people play (in relationships) …
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online relationship handbook
onlinerelationshiphandbook.com
pete padilla
understanding relationships